We Need To Talk About The ******* ***** In “Harry Potter And The Cursed Child” - SPOILERS!!!

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This post contains spoilers for part one of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Proceed as you wish.

A lot of things happen in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. So, so many things.

But of everything, the thing we need to discuss the most is the GODDAMN TROLLEY WITCH.

Let’s recap. We all remember the Trolley Witch from all our years on the Hogwarts Express. She’s a nice lady; she always has snacks.

But in Cursed Child, when Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy spontaneously attempt — spoiler alert — to escape the Hogwarts Express, they wind up on the roof of the train. That’s when things get weird.

THE TROLLEY WITCH FOLLOWS THEM. She’s just pushing her cart all casual, on the roof of a speeding train. “Anything from the trolley, dears? Pumpkin Pasty? Chocolate Frog? Cauldron Cake?” she says. “Oh,” says Albus Severus.

Then Trolley Witch tells us a bit about herself. Turns out she was hired by Ottaline Gambol and has been walking the halls of the Hogwarts Express for ALMOST 200 YEARS.

Oh, and did we mention that the Pumpkin Pasties are grenades? Yeah. THE PUMPKIN PASTIES ARE GRENADES.

Warner Bros.

Turns out the Trolley Witch is HBIC of some sort of security system to keep the kids on the Hogwarts Express in check.

This is some glorious Tim Burton shit, tbh.

WHAT HATH OTTALINE GAMBOL WROUGHT?

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Trolley Witch needs her own spin-off, tbh.